Sunday, August 3, 2008

Personal Pistivity, I apologize

As my husband has already blogged about the details and frustrations of our weekend road trip, I thankfully don't have to. But I do need a moment to vent as well. My anger is directed towards, no surprises here, my ex-husband. Personally, I'd rather him disappear, never to be heard from again, just as all of my other ex's were decent enough to do. But alas, my children love him and their feelings on the matter come first. My kids are going through things they shouldn't have to. Both of them want to empty their savings to give to him, as if that would do any good. Oh, poor, poor, Elvin. Everything bad happens to him. He's not personally responsible for the shit-storm that surrounds him. It's not his fault he has been unable to hold a job for over six months in the 14 years I've known him. Factors outside of his control keep coming together to thwart his ability to be a decent adult. My kids are miserable and it's his fault. It's his fault he won't work. It's his fault he's alienated himself from enough of his family that he has no place else to go. It's his fault he can't take care of himself enough to be able to take care of his kids. Damn him. He got an opportunity that most men don't get with their kids and he blew it. He can blame me all he wants, but I wouldn't have been able to get them if he was a decent parent.

All they see is poor dad. Julius is halfway to an ulcer worrying about how his dad was going to be able to find a job, how dad was going to be homeless when he comes back to Indy, and how dad might go to jail. Olivia cried all the way home and is now asking to do extra chores so she can save her money to help dad get an apartment. They shouldn't be going through this... he's teaching them how to be enablers. He starts to look like he is going to get his act together, but within months it's the same old excuses. Him screwing up all of the time doesn't hurt me. I've come to expect only pathetic attempts at adulthood. And I'm pretty sure the kids will figure all of this out on their own one day, but that day will really suck for them. I remember my "aha" moment, but I don't think it was worse for me because my father was never around to begin with. I think it will be worse for them.

So, what do I do? One of my biggest fears is that Julius will become him and Olivia will marry him. It's a powerful cycle. I didn't grow up around my dad and yet I managed to find a guy just like him. All I can do is keep talking to them about choices and hope Ryan has some sort of influence.

Okay, so that's enough. Two posts in a row is a lot for me to delving into heavy-hitting emotion. Maybe next time I'll write about my bug again. Her butt has gotten huge!

No comments: