Tuesday, December 8, 2009

It's been a while, dear friends

I'm feebly pecking out letters on the blackberry tonight, which explains the lack of posting. A while back, I had a dream. It's a long story, so I'll sum up: after completing espinage job at Sam's club, I had to jump an electrified fence controlled by Bill Clinton. I successfully jump fence and land on the floor by my bed, on my laptop and ruin the screen.
It's downstairs now with a regular monitor hooked up, cause it's the only computer that will run Ryan's photo software. But, I haven't felt well enough to spend enough time down there to blog. I'm glad Ryan talked me into blackberry, my connection to webs.
So I feel I've gotten worse with IIH. My old strategies don't work. I'm seeking a shunt, and praying it works. The pain gets so severe, and I can't stand the nausea. I never thought I would get to the place where the potential benefit would outweigh the risk of surgery, or just doing nothing. It's only a 50% chance that it will work on my pain, but it's a chance.
My children are still struggling. They are seeing a counselor now, so hopefully that will help. Julius asked why I don't love him, and he's the biggest reason I'm getting this surgery. It's not fair that I'm not here for them. I'm completely spent after work with nothing left for my kids, and they deserve more. So I have some tough decisions to make if this doesn't work. They want to go live with their father, and I'd let them at this point if he could take care of them.
Painting is going really well, but again, my health is holding me back. I won a forum challenge, and submitted a how-to to a magazine and they said they would use it. I feel like I'm getting better, I just need to use it.
Ryan was dx with fibro myalgia, and he hides it from me. But, he is working again, and I think I'm going to like it. One of our dreams as a couple is to travel, and this job is going to really help that one along. I hope to also take the kids somewhere really great. Now it will be possible. That is exciting.

So, Jan 6th is the day I see the neurosurgeon. That is, unless I get bad enough to request a cancellation spot. I hope I'm doing the right thing.