Wednesday, August 27, 2008

So cute they make your head explode into candy!

So, I know... two posts in one evening is a bit much, but I needed some cuteness in my evening and felt obligated to share it with the world. Jack-Jack's birthday party was over the weekend and my husband took some really great pics. So here's Jack, Courtney, Riley, and Mattea, (yeah, I know, Lana's cute too).

All these and more can be found on my web album:

Good Bye GG, we'll miss you

It's been quite some time since my last post. Life has been too busy. I'm starting to settle into the supervisor gig, even if I haven't settled into the office quite yet. I'm still feeling way-overwhelmed, but I can still keep my perspective. I go home, make dinner, eat, homework with kids, and then crash. Literally, crash. I'd go to bed at 8 if I could talk the kids into an early bedtime. We are on day 10 of vomit-pa-looza. Poor Julius. Everything that goes in comes up again. I'll call the doctor again tomorrow. Audie laid her egg-sack, so we'll have little Audie-clones in the spring. So that's it for the quick update.

What is really on my mind is that Ryan's grandmother died Tuesday morning. She had been sick for a while and I got the impression that she was ready to go, so I'm not sad for her exactly. She was a wonderful woman and was deeply loved by her family. They are the ones suffering. My thoughts are more so with Ryan's grandfather. Walter and Betty seemed like a genuinely loving couple. You could just see that aura around them. I want that for me and Ryan. Lifelong best friends. They had been together for over 60 years, but now Walter is alone. I hate to imagine what it must be like for him now... to go home alone after 60 years of companionship. How hard would it be just to make yourself breathe. To not give into the crushing loneliness. To find hope. I do hope Walter finds some comfort during this difficult time. Ryan's family has always been so welcoming and supportive of me and my family, even right from the beginning. I feel blessed to be able to call them my family, too. It's so hard to see them hurting, I wish I could do more

Friday, August 15, 2008

Sleepy for a change

Wow, I'm exhausted. This supervisor thing has been kicking my ass and I haven't actually been doing any supervising yet. It's been good for me though. I've had chronic insomnia since I left night shift 6 years ago and have rarely had a good, un-medicated night's sleep. I've been sleeping hard and long for the last two weeks. It's been interesting seeing the other side of the supervisors. Tonight was Tobi's farewell at the Rathskallar. We had a really good time. It's wierd to think of her not being around. Too sleepy to type more, so until next time...

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Personal Pistivity, I apologize

As my husband has already blogged about the details and frustrations of our weekend road trip, I thankfully don't have to. But I do need a moment to vent as well. My anger is directed towards, no surprises here, my ex-husband. Personally, I'd rather him disappear, never to be heard from again, just as all of my other ex's were decent enough to do. But alas, my children love him and their feelings on the matter come first. My kids are going through things they shouldn't have to. Both of them want to empty their savings to give to him, as if that would do any good. Oh, poor, poor, Elvin. Everything bad happens to him. He's not personally responsible for the shit-storm that surrounds him. It's not his fault he has been unable to hold a job for over six months in the 14 years I've known him. Factors outside of his control keep coming together to thwart his ability to be a decent adult. My kids are miserable and it's his fault. It's his fault he won't work. It's his fault he's alienated himself from enough of his family that he has no place else to go. It's his fault he can't take care of himself enough to be able to take care of his kids. Damn him. He got an opportunity that most men don't get with their kids and he blew it. He can blame me all he wants, but I wouldn't have been able to get them if he was a decent parent.

All they see is poor dad. Julius is halfway to an ulcer worrying about how his dad was going to be able to find a job, how dad was going to be homeless when he comes back to Indy, and how dad might go to jail. Olivia cried all the way home and is now asking to do extra chores so she can save her money to help dad get an apartment. They shouldn't be going through this... he's teaching them how to be enablers. He starts to look like he is going to get his act together, but within months it's the same old excuses. Him screwing up all of the time doesn't hurt me. I've come to expect only pathetic attempts at adulthood. And I'm pretty sure the kids will figure all of this out on their own one day, but that day will really suck for them. I remember my "aha" moment, but I don't think it was worse for me because my father was never around to begin with. I think it will be worse for them.

So, what do I do? One of my biggest fears is that Julius will become him and Olivia will marry him. It's a powerful cycle. I didn't grow up around my dad and yet I managed to find a guy just like him. All I can do is keep talking to them about choices and hope Ryan has some sort of influence.

Okay, so that's enough. Two posts in a row is a lot for me to delving into heavy-hitting emotion. Maybe next time I'll write about my bug again. Her butt has gotten huge!