Personal Pistivity, I apologize

As my husband has already blogged about the details and frustrations of our weekend road trip, I thankfully don't have to. But I do need a moment to vent as well. My anger is directed towards, no surprises here, my ex-husband. Personally, I'd rather him disappear, never to be heard from again, just as all of my other ex's were decent enough to do. But alas, my children love him and their feelings on the matter come first. My kids are going through things they shouldn't have to. Both of them want to empty their savings to give to him, as if that would do any good. Oh, poor, poor, Elvin. Everything bad happens to him. He's not personally responsible for the shit-storm that surrounds him. It's not his fault he has been unable to hold a job for over six months in the 14 years I've known him. Factors outside of his control keep coming together to thwart his ability to be a decent adult. My kids are miserable and it's his fault. It's his fault he won't work. It's his fault he's alienated himself from enough of his family that he has no place else to go. It's his fault he can't take care of himself enough to be able to take care of his kids. Damn him. He got an opportunity that most men don't get with their kids and he blew it. He can blame me all he wants, but I wouldn't have been able to get them if he was a decent parent.

All they see is poor dad. Julius is halfway to an ulcer worrying about how his dad was going to be able to find a job, how dad was going to be homeless when he comes back to Indy, and how dad might go to jail. Olivia cried all the way home and is now asking to do extra chores so she can save her money to help dad get an apartment. They shouldn't be going through this... he's teaching them how to be enablers. He starts to look like he is going to get his act together, but within months it's the same old excuses. Him screwing up all of the time doesn't hurt me. I've come to expect only pathetic attempts at adulthood. And I'm pretty sure the kids will figure all of this out on their own one day, but that day will really suck for them. I remember my "aha" moment, but I don't think it was worse for me because my father was never around to begin with. I think it will be worse for them.

So, what do I do? One of my biggest fears is that Julius will become him and Olivia will marry him. It's a powerful cycle. I didn't grow up around my dad and yet I managed to find a guy just like him. All I can do is keep talking to them about choices and hope Ryan has some sort of influence.

Okay, so that's enough. Two posts in a row is a lot for me to delving into heavy-hitting emotion. Maybe next time I'll write about my bug again. Her butt has gotten huge!

Oppression and Politics

I have a couple of things on my mind tonight.

First, I'm kinda pleased with myself right about now. While my husband may see me as a confident, take-no-shit, "Are you certain you want to talk to me with that tone?", stand-up kind of woman, I have not always been so. It has only been through my experience with my ex-husband that I have developed a spine. Knowing how far I allowed myself to be kept down really makes me appreciate my own voice and my ability to make a different choice. Ryan knows with no uncertainty how I expect him to treat me... and he does treat me very well. But... there has always been a residual fear when it comes to my ex. Oppression is a tough thing to kick, even 8 years after I left him. I'm not sure how, but I still have difficulty asserting myself with that man. I know I have no need to be timid... heck... I could literally break him if need be. I find myself being overly accommodating, which was never extended to me... ever. Well tonight I had a bit of a break-through. I had been talking with him for the last week about plans to bring the kids back home from West Virginia, and as per usual, he spent a lot of time talking about plans and excuses. Tonight I decided to take the reins and tell him what the plans are going to be. No anger... no attitude... just fact. I'm coming to get them Saturday because they have to be home by Sunday. No wondering about when they'll come home... no waiting on him to make a decision and then change it at the last minute...no relying on him to have gas money. He responded well... "Um... alright." So this is hopefully the first of many positive experiences in dealing with him.

So the other thing. Tanya had some free sneak-preview passes to see "Swing Vote" so we went. I'm not a Kevin Costner fan, so I probably would have never seen it... even on cable. But, I'm glad I went. I really enjoyed it and it actually stimulated some thought. Gist: Some drunken slob gets the opportunity to cast the deciding ballot in the Presidential race that is completely tied up. Unlikely... but it definitely showed an exaggeration of political pandering that has most of America distrustful of politics. Drunken slob says to a reporter that he thinks gay people should be allowed to marry; next scene shows the republican president in a commercial discussing his commitment for equal rights for gays. Very funny. The democratic candidate did commercials against immigration and abortion... equally funny. But how far from the truth is it really? I mean, I get a good feeling about Obama... but do warm fuzzies mean he is sincere about what he says? I'm definitely going with my feeling because I was right about dub-ya.

Anniversarypalooza

Thursday was our anniversary, and I'm just now getting a chance to discuss my thoughts about it. Thursday night we went out to dinner and Friday night we went to the drive-in to see a couple of movies (Batman is awesome, by the way, wait for Journey to the Center of the Earth to show on cable, and I fell asleep for Hellboy). We've been together for 6 years and married for 4, thus beating my previously-held relationship record (technically 7 and 5, respectively, but I don't want count the time I was separated). I think this gives me the unique position of having a reference for comparison. I whine and moan sometimes, but things are good. It's not that he's so wonderful (he is) or that I'm so great (I am). We work well together. We fit. A team. (Like the Dynamic Duo, but neither of us wants to be Robin, or the Wonder Twins, but that would make us siblings...ew... maybe Yogi and BooBoo?) And each year, life just keeps on getting better. Yay!

P.S. Although Ryan is a definitely a better photographer over all... I think it has been decided that I am a better self-portrait taker!

What's a Triftid?

I had a fabulous weekend. Ryan and I met up with Kevin, Kim, and Tanya and went to IMA to see Rocky Horror. It has been ages since I'd been and we had a blast. Tanya and Ryan, "the virgins," seemed to like it and I remembered more than I thought I would. We definitely have to do this again sometime, but in costume. Let's see... I did some more shopping, went to a birthday party, painted more faces. Life is good. Made it all the more difficult to go back to work today.

New Love

I'd like to take just a moment to pay tribute to my new-found love... Value World, formerly known as Value Village. I'd heard people talking for years about it but had only recently went in to check it out. Today I did some real shopping. I was looking to get a few things to bulk up my "business casual" wardrobe since I'll have to be in it more. I love shopping but was dreading the expense. Lane Bryant is usually the only place I can find anything I like because few retailers sell plus size clothing that is cut in a flattering way... big girls need structure... but I digress. Anyway, Lane Bryant can be very expensive. I was so excited about all the good stuff I found... some of it with the original tags on it. So for $42 I bought 6 shirts, 2 cardigans, 2 pairs of dress pants, 2 brand new pairs of shoes, and a purse. WhoooHoooooo! The only down side is they have no dressing room, but I made due trying on what I could in the aisle. Even better... I get to go back one Sunday and get %50 my whole purchase!!! I say again: WhoooHoooooo!

Do ya think Baxter will be one Ogre of a supervisor?

Ha Ha!

It's the mid-staycation point and I thought I'd give all you viewers at home an update. I'm happy to report I've not done nearly as much as I had intended. The plan was to deep clean, paint, and make ready for carpeting. After much internal struggle, I decided I was not going to keep my family from missing out on all the fun, so I've been doing lighter cleaning, laundry, and playing in facepaint. I seriously feel I have found my artistic calling... this stuff is so much fun. I wish I had more kids around to practice on, but mine are gone and I don't know my neighbors.

So as most of you already know, I'm replacing Tobi as supervisor. I got the official job offer on Monday. It's very exciting, but I'm also a little freaked-out as well. The whole FSS thing gives me the willies, but I'm sure I'll manage.

The remainder of my week will probably be spent loafing around doing as little as possible, but still being productive (it's kinda my mantra). I'll lunch with mom at Bugsy's tomorrow on the canal and maybe do some shopping. My niece is having a birthday party on Saturday, which should be fun. Then, painting the living room with the whole family on Sunday! Yea!

Happy Birthday America!

Today was a good day. I got to sleep in until 10:30. Then we went to he Jungbauer's for a great picnic. JJ has got to make the best steaks in the world... we wait all year for them. Lana and I broke out the face painting and it went well. Then we found a new place and watched the fireworks. We were at a little park off of New York. It was filled with people and someone nearby had great fireworks, and we had a great view of downtown. Here's some of my favorite pics, more will be on my web album. http://picasaweb.google.com/jenniferbaxte/IndependenceDay08