Friday, April 10, 2009

What stage of grief is anger?

I've lost nearly 30 lbs. since August. Woah. Thirty Pounds. I barely move anymore, but I also barely eat anymore, so it took 30 lbs to actually get any smaller (and I'm not really smaller). I bought my first shirt that was a size smaller over the weekend. Funny thing is, I had to buy my other two shirts and two pair of pants the usual size cause I haven't shrunk that much. What is really sad is that the last time I weighed this, I was two sizes smaller. It's hard to get my head around. More so, it's hard to get excited. I'm more into working on self-acceptance, and those people (of all sizes) who would rather be sick than fat annoy me. If I talk about this (weird weight-loss) out loud, I get congratulations (fair enough I guess), but I've had people call me lucky. I'm in constant pain and I'm scared shitless, but I'm lucky. I'm losing weight without doing anything, so I'm not really getting smaller, so I've lost 30 lbs of muscle, and when I do start taking off fat it will likely leave behind nasty bags of elephant skin, but I'm lucky. Oh yea, and when I am a smaller, nasty, baggy, wrinkly, elephantine looking Jen, I'll still have a chronic illness. Someone else can be lucky, I'd rather be fat.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Man, this sucks

So this has been an insanely bad week. Pain has gotten much worse. My work week was only 2.5 days long, but I seriously questioned my ability to keep my job. I can't decide to just not work... I carry the insurance, not to mention the fact I like my job and I don't want to think about what would happen to me if I didn't have somewhere to go every day. There are people who live with this for years... decades even. Well, they don't work, and they end up on months long waiting lists to see neurologists who accept MCD and get spinal taps in the ER (Highly NOT Recommended). So I found myself saying over and over, "I need a plan." Yeah... I don't have one of those yet, no clue actually. Just "do what you can and let go of the rest" and the fear of the day when that will no longer be good enough.

Anyway, I saw my neurologist on Friday. He's an odd fellow. He seems to be in his 50's and was probably home schooled (no offense). He just lacks social skills, that I would almost peg him for having a personality disorder of sorts. Well, I described how my pain has gotten worse, how I've noticed very subtle vision changes (but I am very hypocondriacical), and the facial tingling. I actually got a reaction out of the facial tingling bit. So he upped the dosage on two of my meds, should take a week to feel better he says. I ask when we will begin to talk about shunt. He said a shunt will happen when it is necessary to save my vision. So, I see my retina dr. in May, but hopefully new med mix will have my pressure down and my eyes will be okay.