Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Tired and Scared

I started writing this to my daily strength buddy, but decided I was really journaling, so here it belongs.
I see my doc in a week. Hopefully there will be something to report. I've noticed more cognitive things... aphasia, spatial awareness, confusion. Only enough that I, or someone who pays attention, would notice. Instead of saying Pinball, I said, "we can play, you know, that game, flippers on the sides, lights, bing bing, ball" then someone in the meeting got it. It's like random games of Password. I have new bruises all over my legs from running into my desk. Yes, I've always been a klutz, but this is different. I'm not tripping on anything, I'm just barely making the edge of a desk or something and glancing the edge. And I get these moments where I completely forget what is going on... thinking to myself "I'm looking at a stack of paper, I had a reason to go to it, Oh yea, I needed to find a paper, what paper, um, it was for Tanya, okay, what did I need for Tanya, um, um, she's waiting on me and I don't remember what I'm looking for, God this is scary oh, it was X in that stack over there." I have even forgotten again when I got to the second stack. I just stopped a moment to think about how many times it happens, but I don't really know. I can only think of a few times where I had that thought process, but I know I've had the moments of being lost but it wasn't in the middle of something where someone was watching and I had to "perform." I have a really hard time reading, and that's a big part of my job. Something about reading the narrative about the home visit, don't know if it's the eye movement, tilt of the head, engaging the brain for comprehension, or what, but within 10 minutes my HA goes from 5 to 8. So, I now reprint the narratives in 18pt font on soft yellow paper. Just started on Monday and it seems to help some. Otherwise, I'm not sure how I'm going to keep up (I have a new employee starting on Monday and one coming off maternity leave the following week). It's hard to be in the position to have to decide if you are able to continue to work when you really want to continue. I'm going to hold on as long as I possibly can and hope it will get better. I love my job too much, I need the insurance, and my family needs the income. My doc will have an answer because he has to.

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